Crying over (breast)milk

I am sure you have heard the expression, “no use crying over spilled milk”. Well I am positive these words were not directed to the lactating mother who values her expressed milk above gold.

Recently I felt my gold under threat when it was momentarily replaced by formula, and boy oh boy was my reaction so unexpected.

So let me explain. Amelia-Rose is now a whopping 20 weeks old and I have managed to exclusively nourish her with only my boobie-milk up until last week. Firstly, I never thought I could get this far with my  Mimi girl, because I only managed to breast-feed our son Eli for 10 weeks before I decided to add some formula and by 18 weeks or so my milk had completely dried up so this time round I was truly excited to still be the main source of nourishment for our little one. I was feeling rather proud of myself for getting to the 20 week mark with Mimi, because trust me breast-feeding is not easy, in fact its extremely taxing both physically and emotionally. For the most part, breast-feeding can be a very one sided journey (as I have previously mentioned Amelia-Rose isn’t a fan of the bottle) so that means she is even more dependent on me.

I guess it was fro this reason I decided to buy a tin of formula if ever I lost the will to continue to breast-feed. I just didn’t expect that it would be now and that it would hurt my feelings.

It happened last Monday when Warren and I decided we needed a little treat and popped over to the day spa for some pamper time one Monday afternoon. Of course I made sure to express as much breast-milk as I believed Amelia-Rose would need for our two-and-a-half-hour absence. However seems she was way hungrier than that and so Lindi resorted to whipping up 100mls of formula for her.

Because our cellphones were off during our spa treatment, Lindi texted us what she was going to have to make a formula bottle as Amelia-Rose has finished her expressed milk. When I saw that sms though, my heart simply sank. I never ever thought I would feel so sad the day my daughter found nourish from another source other than me.

We bought the formula as a back-up but I was so determined not to have to use it so I guess I was just thrown off guard.

I have nothing against formula of course or moms who choose it sooner. I think I just didnt realise how attached I am to my baby girl.

I never realised I would feel so sad though, I mean in a way it meant she was a tad more independent of me but I think this is what triggered the sadness.The idea that babies grow so quickly and soon I will be returning to work and then she will learn to need me less.

Gosh even typing these words, I am feeling all teary-eyed because I now understand that my emotions is attached to the knowledge that I wont ever  be able to relive these moments, these days spent with my baby. Time at home is running out and time is so precious.

In many ways I also feel like I didn’t fully enjoy my initial mama journey with Eli, as much as I am enjoying it now with Amelia-Rose and thought I am not going to cry over that spilled milk now, I do now know that we should all stop and learn to enjoy the moments we do find ourselves in because time waits for now one.

So I will be continuing on my breast-feeding journey and even if there will be more moments of formula I am not going to be too hard on myself. I am doing my best and that’s all my baby ever want or need.