In Pursuit of Me

Its Saturday morning again and the I am sitting back and reflecting on the week that has been. It was a good week because I weighed in 1.2 kgs less than 12 days before, yipee! Yet  it was such a difficult week for me staring at the scale knowing I still have such a long way still to go.

It made me really think about the pressures of society in general on new moms to bounce back into their skinny jeans the second their babies are born. Aaargh it gets to me so much, because more than the opinions of others it’s my own inner voice that’s so irritating to me, telling me I shouldn’t have picked up as much weighted as I did, especially since I took such a long time to lose it after my son Eli was born.

My hubby and close friends always tell me I am too hard on myself and that if I lost the weight before I can do it again. It just doesn’t feel that way to me. At all. Its daunting and oh so frustrating, especially if you have a 3 year old, a 3 months old, a husband and a home to take care of. Where does it leave time for you?

I am certainly NOT like those moms who lose tons and tons of weight while breastfeeding on the contrary I get so hungry while feeding my baby I spent the first 12 weeks chomping down  rusks while drinking liters of tea. And of course I often forgot to eat entire meals in the early days when I brought Amelia-Rose home. I did get meals made for me but very often they were easy carb loaded meals.

So here I am 16 kgs overweight after my second cesarean 14 weeks ago. One would think I have the knowledge for losing the weight and it should be easy right? Wrong! I mean I know what to do to lose weight, most of it entails cutting out bad carbs and forfeiting most treats. I know how to do it, I have done it, I know how to cheat the system and have done so successfully in the past, I just seem to lack the will-power lately.  I need to get my mind right again. Remind myself that I am doing this for my well-being.

I have just come to a place in my life where I need to learn to love my post baby body body rather than just the ability to wear smaller jeans.

People are so judgmental. I am so judgmental. We look at the size of people and made judgments without knowing their struggles. I mean whats the point of being super skinny with an unhealthy mind? Or having to fit in with society’s ideals of beauty when you have a poor spirit?

For this reason I refuse to just lose weight. I want to be healthy, holistically so. I don’t  want to just be thin. I am a mom and a mother to a daughter, I want Amelia-Rose to have a good self-esteem and not worry about always fitting into the smallest jeans, but to love herself for the way God created her. Its something that I am still learning in my 30’s and its not a struggle she needs to endure.

So yes I am going to make every effort to lose the weight, in a healthy steady manner all while learning to love myself, love my body and love my mind. I want to grow closer to my maker and appreciate my life as a woman, a wife and a mother.

I want to live a conscious life, conscious of the decisions I make for my body by ensuring I eat good food and exercise and cutting out as much chemicals as possible.

Yet I want to tell you that I laugh at myself lots and lots, I make so many mistakes. I eat loads of chocolates and am a huge sucker for a rusk. I spend hours at gym because I love it. Will I ever be a size 6, probably not, but I love the idea that I am working towards that. I am not great at this, I am just always trying.

I want to be happy, truly happy and I am happy. I am a powerful being and it took me 30 years to realise that so lets hope it doesn’t take that long for my daughter. So my biggest motivation is that I want to be a good example for my daughter.

Here’s to me pushing through, making every effort to be a ‘yummymummy’ that I know I already am, doing it for me though and forgetting the opinions of others.


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