Today marks exactly 13 weeks since I became a mom for the second time. Yay me right? Yes well I am truly grateful that I have been blessed with yet another precious life to care for, but I simply can’t ignore the familiar feeling of “I need my life back.”
I think I was a typical girl, most of the time. I too dreamt of meeting my prince, white wedding gowns and becoming a mom. Tada! Happy life. However little did I know that being an adult is actually not always what dreams are made of, in fact its very very rough. So I find myself here again, bringing myself towards myself, in order to suck it up and learn to be a proper adult and mom, again.
So where shall we start other than from the point that I am feeling totally totally (have to say it twice) pooped, because once again I feel the weight of being a mom. Unlike my son who was a “no-sleep-for-what?” kinda baby, my daughter is a angel in every way except she wants me to be around her 24/7.
For many mommies this may be very cute and comforting and all those fuzzy feelings but for me, right now its kinda a “schelp”. I mean I thought at 3 months old, I scored big time with a good passive baby, who sleeps like a dream and passes through growth spurts like a pro. Exclusively breastfed, she is happy and “ubber” healthy but here comes the big bummer, she is refusing a bottle all of a sudden.
I mean really now, Amelia-Rose. Whaddup?
I cant seem to wrap my brain around it, like at 3 weeks she drank my expressed milk from a bottle no issues, and a few times thereafter. Even 2 weeks ago when her dad and I went on a date night. Then just like that it all changed. Amelia-Rose or Mimi (as she is affectionately called by her dad) simply refused the bottle, when she was left with my mother for 5 hours.
Perhaps all would have been easier to grasp if it wasn’t for the fact that my mother became so emotional at Mimi’s resistance to the bottle. So we had baby in tears for her mommy, oumie in tears because baby in tears and mommy in tears because oumie in tears because baby in tears. Stressed out much!
So I find myself here again, feeling like a bad mother because: one, “I should have known better and practiced giving her a bottle more often from birth” (even though I was trying to establish my milk-production as per instructions of my midwife), two; “I should have forced a pacifier from day one (even though I was trying to ensure she latched properly and well she point blank refused to take one), three; “I shouldn’t leave her for longer than 3 hours at a time (which means I cannot go out with friends or with hubby without worrying my time has run out). I mean really!
I find myself here , stressed that my daughter needs me too much. Worried that I am not happy that she is so dependent on me and annoyed that I can’t see a light at the end of this silly tunnel, even though this may not really be a real crisis.
I am a diligent researcher and so know that I could try different bottles or stick to one bottle and offer it to her everyday and hope for the best. Or find solace in the fact that by the time I return to work she will be over 6 months old and on solids and may be less hungry for my boobie-juice. But it’s not that easy to persuade my heart and my head for that matter.
So I find myself here again, trying to be a good mamma but also wanting to know I can provide the best for my little people without them being attached to the proverbial hip for the rest of eternity.
I find myself here again, hoping that other moms out there can identify with me and remind me that it’s all going to be OKAY!